Thursday, 23 May 2013

The 38 Funniest Issues Ever Mentioned About Love, Sex, and Relationships

1. “Women have each of the power because females have each of the vaginas.” -Dave Attell

2. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” -Groucho Marx

3. “A man can sleep around, no queries asked, but if a lady makes nineteen or twenty blunders she’s a tramp.” -Joan Rivers

4. “There are only 3 things women have to have in life: food, water, and compliments.” -Chris Rock

5. “Never marry a man you wouldn’t wish to be divorced from.” -Nora Ephron

6. “Bisexuality straight away doubles your chances to get a date on Saturday evening.” -Woody Allen

7. “Sex and pizza, they say, are comparable. When it is excellent, it is superior. When it is negative, you get it in your shirt.” -Mike Birbiglia

8. “Some men and women ask the key of our lengthy marriage. We take time to visit a restaurant two instances per week. Just a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” -Henny Youngman

9. Marriage is often a excellent institution, but who wants to reside in an institution? -Groucho Marx

10. “If we take matrimony at it’s lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” -Robert Louis Stevenson

11. “Everything inside the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” -Oscar Wilde

12. “I think we are able to all agree that sleeping around is a great solution to meet folks.” -Chelsea Handler

13. “Seems to me the fundamental conflict among men and women, sexually, is the fact that guys are like firemen. To guys, sex is an emergency, and regardless of what we’re undertaking we can be prepared in two minutes. Ladies, around the other hand, are like fire. They’re pretty thrilling, but the circumstances have to be exactly proper for it to happen.” -Jerry Seinfeld

14. “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but however not adequate blood provide to run both at the same time.” -Robin Williams

15. “My very best birth control now is simply to leave the lights on.” -Joan Rivers

16. “What I definitely need can be a woman who loves me for my dollars but does not fully grasp math.” -Mike Birbiglia

17. “Women are cursed, and men would be the proof.” -Roseanne Barr

18. “We have purpose to think that man initially walked upright to cost-free his hands for masturbation.” -Lily Tomlin

19. “Women don’t wish to hear what you believe. Females desire to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.” -Bill Cosby

20. “I keep in mind the initial time I had sex. I kept the receipt.” -Groucho Marx

21. “My wife and I had been delighted for 20 years - then we met.” -Rodney Dangerfield

22. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” -Marilyn Monroe

23. “Sex is like air; it is not important unless you are not having any.” -John Callahan

24. “Sex devoid of love can be a meaningless knowledge, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn great.” -Woody Allen

25. “Sex is among the most wholesome, stunning and natural experiences that income can get.” -Steve Martin

26. “If Jack’s in really like, he’s no judge of Jill’s beauty.” -Benjamin Franklin

27. “She said she wanted a separation. I was horrified, and I mentioned, ‘You want me to wear a condom!’”-Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

28. “I do wanna get married. It just sounds wonderful. You get to go grocery shopping with each other, rent videos, along with the kissing as well as the hugging and also the kissing along with the hugging beneath the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I be concerned that I do not wanna get married as significantly as I wish to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That could really feel quite good, also.” -Maria Bamford

29. "Sex and murder would be the exact same. Well, you say exactly the same just after each don’t you? ‘Damn I got to acquire the hell out of right here! What was I considering!’ -Dave Attell

30. “It’s no superior pretending that any connection includes a future in case your record collections disagree violently or in case your favored films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.” -Nick Hornby

31. “Anyone who says he can see via females is missing a lot.” -Groucho Marx

32. “A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may possibly be clever, but he's not incredibly vibrant.” -Lucille Ball

33. “My initial time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and believed, That is going to produce me wealthy.” -Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

34. “Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” -Helen Gurley Brown

35. “I think that sex is really a beautiful factor amongst two people today. In between five, it is wonderful.” -Woody Allen

36. “You’d be surprised just how much it charges to appear this low-cost.” -Dolly Parton

37. “My heart’s in the proper location. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there.” -Carrie Fisher

38. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in really like or I had smallpox.” -Woody Allen

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